My brother, roommate and I have spent a good year together and our lease will be up incredibly soon. February 3rd will come and that is when we need to get out. Aric will be moving 30minutes away and Suzanne and I are hopefully moving downtown. My goal is to get the majority of my stuff packed by the 31st when I'll be getting my wisdom tooth removed. Hopefully if I don't get it done before then, I'll be able to continue to pack by the time we get out. When we get moved in, I hope to finally be able to settle in and enjoy what time we have left. Crossing fingers.
4: Get "RainbowSlices" illustrated, revised, edited, & published.
It took me 2 years to complete writing this poetry compilation. This 3-part compilation contains 24 poems to break the stigma around self-harm while giving hope for recovery. The imagery and analogies are based on rainbows as a way to remind recovery warriors of God's promise to remain by our side and turn bad to good for the sake of His children. And to remind us that no matter what your background, your life can become a testimony and can help others with their struggles. It helped me with my recovery so much and I hope it helps others. But my goal now is to draw and illustrate it based on each poem and in the style of is book cover, edit the poems to be grammatically correct and to publish it by the end of the year or so...
3: Get people to join my Christian discord server.
After joining so many church groups and Christian online chatrooms, and being mistreated or having the worst assumed of me, I decided it was high time to build a group that was a sanctuary for those who have mental illness and enjoyed hobbies such a furries. I've finished building it, and creating a safe environment for these people. But for now, I only got 1 person to join and my goal is to get 50 people to join, to get 5 admins, and to keep it active. Ye Ragamuffin & Warrior Tavern has channels for: 1.) Fun 2.) Faith and Political Discussion 3.) Mental Health Ministries 4.) Writers, Artists, and Musicians 5.) Furries 6.) Homeschoolers (COMING SOON)! Please feel free to join! Help me reach my down, 1 person down, 49 more to go!
2: Exercise more often and get back down to 197lbs.
Once I get moved out, I am gonna exercise more, take walks, lift weights, jump rope, play kinect, and eat Gluten Free, low-carb, fresh vegetables, no cane sugar or artificial sweeteners and replace it with agave, stevia and honey. My goal is to get back down to 197lbs and be able to be healthy enough to have my monthly again. My health has been deteriorating quickly and I don't want that anymore.
1: Reach my 2 year mark since I last cut.
Before now, I had reached 1 year and 7 months before relapsing and now that I am 25 days away from 1 and a half year, I'm truly looking forward to hitting my 2nd year! I'm going to spend my time using these 10 main coping skills to get there....
a.) Journaling, drawing, blogging etc.
b.) Be a part of a mentorship program for support groups.
c.) fitness, healthy eating and dance.
d.) essential oils, incense and candles.
e.) Read Scripture and study politics, history, science, psychology, philosophy, foreign languages, and Language Arts.
f.) gamified apps and sites for writing, fitness, mental health, habits etc.
g.) music, whether creating it or listening. Always a main coping skill after all.
h.) fursuiting, cosplaying, and make-up
i.) continue making book covers and commission artwork to sell.
j.) wear comforting clothes like a sweater, hoodie, or arm warmers.
0: [BONUS GOAL] Finish my resource series on LIGHTforMI
I'm writing a 10-part series that I am calling Resources of Recovery. And as the title suggests, I’m have been gathering resources that have helped me with my recovery or that I think may help others with theirs. In this collection of parts, I have been giving a short summary of whatever I’m covering and why I believe they help. I'm writing part two at the moment which is about shows, movies, and books that either got mental illness right or promotes mental health and illness.
Things written in here are colour coded as a way to distinguish who is saying what. Mun is obviously Ari Schaffer or Mari Fahel McKimzey (that is myself) Agan is based on member at ages 18-21 when I conformed much to a former friend's ideals and hobbies and likes. Misty is based on me right now. Penny is based on me at 15-18 Aisling is based on me at 12-15
Q - (Warrior): What’s your weapon of choice?
Kukri Either a warhammer, axe or claymore. Bow and arrows A staff, please! A simple sgian dubh will do for me thanks.
Q- (Paladin): What’s something you believe very strongly in?
I'm a Christian-- more specifically an Anglican-- and really seeps into my characters. But each of my characters is based on certain points in my life, so a few of them believe things I used to believe. I, too am a Christian with the ministry of casting out the demonic forces. [Luke 10:19] I am a Christian as well, a ragamuffin, healer, with the goal to help others find peace and the freedom to struggle, rather than struggling to be free. [Matthew 5:3-5] [Galatians 6:2] Newly found Christian, finding my courage in Him and trying to seek Him in all things [2 Timothy 17] [Isaiah 41:10] [Matthew 7:7] Raised in faith and truly wanting to testify it abroad and become a missionary [Acts 20:24]
Q- (Hunter): Your favourite animal?
Cats and platypuses mostly, including wild cats hehe! :) Which is why I chose my fursona species. Agan in a Scottish fold cat, Misty although mythical, is a gryphon. Penny is a platypus. and Aisling is a calico caticorn..
Q - (Rogue): What’s something you’d only do if you were offered a large sum of money to do it?
Ride the Tower of Terror from Disney World for anyone other than my sister. Letting go of blacksmithing for any length of time Not flying for a day or not listening to music for a day Being anywhere near a mall or a stage Listening to heavy metal xP
Q - (Priest): Confess something embarrassing or silly that you’ve never told your followers before! (Maybe it’s just subtle mind control…)
Wrote the most embarrassing poetry that my parents refuse to let me trash I used to be very uninformed about my beliefs and I regret things I used to claim as truth. My favourite thing to do is to watch girly children shows I once squeaked for five minutes on stage, stutter and breathe like Darth Vader in the mic when singing or performing on stage. I used to be obsessed with butterflies and people still send me butterfly stuff thinking I'm still obsessed with them
Q- (Death Knight): Have you ever been forgiven for something you were sure would be the last straw?
Q - (Shaman): Would you favour Earth, Fire, Water, or Air?
Water... because persistent Fire... because blacksmith Air... because flight Water... because swimming Air
Q - (Mage): What were your favourite and least favourite subjects in school?
Language Arts is my fave... Math is my least History and Art are my favourites and Math is my least favourite Science-- specifically metorology, astronomy, oceanography and psychology; Social science and math is my least Music and Math are my faves and social science is my least Language Arts is my fave and math is my least
Q - (Warlock): If you had the chance to control another person’s actions for the day, with no direct consequences, would you do it?
No Never Why would I do that? uhh... nope maybe... but only to my enemies, to embarrass them >:-)
Q - (Monk): When’s a time you were patient with someone, even though you didn’t want to be?
When I was hurt by the Church When many of my friends lied to me When an acquainced forced friendship on me When family was manipulative and secretive about stuff that had to do with my friends Pretty much always
Q - (Druid): Would you align yourself with the Claw, Grove, Talon, Fang, Antler, Saber, or Scythe? Or would you remain a Druid of the Wild?
Claw Scythe Druid of the Wild Fang Saber
Q - (Demon Hunter): To what extent do you believe the end can justify the means?
Only when honesty is harsh. Or when lying to the a corrupt government to protect lives. No wrong or evil can justify the means. Like she said^ Too true Ditto I completely agree
Hard rock has not always been a favourite of mine. As a child and young teenager I was truly into the folk, hip-hop, pop side of CCM. That is until I met my best friend at the time... She and I were radio show hosts, together in our podcast called Jesus Freaks... Our first episode was the introduction to Flyleaf. "Cassie" played on our playlist and I was introduced to the world of metal and hard rock. My best friend wasn't the only one to introduce me to my now, favourite music genre. But other close friends were influencing my style of music as well. However, it was my best friend who showed me Flyleaf...
I have listened to all of the Flyleaf albums, intensely. And after years of that, I have connected to this song. Suicide and depression and conflict is my day to day existence and I found my comfort in this song. It has given me hope and helped me to believe in the supernatural and the afterlife of Heaven. As I've said before, the spirit of conflict lingers in my home. Some of it, admittedly is my own fault, but some not so much. Shame is a two-sided blade here. Guilt for what I had done and even guilt that was unrighteously shoved on me. This line was my help in that; "You build your castles in the skies; Stars reflecting off your eyes, And angels sing on silver clouds, And no one cries screams or shouts"
Suicide and depression have pressured me all my life. I have OD'd, considered hanging, and even self-harmed many years of my life. But to know there is hope even for me and that I'm not beyond repair is amazing. And if I just overcome this pain there will be a prize worth more than any gold... "Close your eyes pretty girl; Cause it's easier when you brace yourself. Set your thoughts on a world far off; Where we only cry from joy! Oh set apart this dream; Set apart this dream for me. Oh lovely and beautiful; Precious and priceless. You're so much more than you know. Heart of the purest gold. Pure clean and white snow. Clothed in such splendor. Oh, what a beauty for me."
9: "Still Breathing" by Veridia
I was introduced by iTunes suggestions to this band, I believe. It was an instant fave for me. And I truly wish they put out more. The music, at least for me is upbeat, convicting, and therapeutic. The beats and tunes are like a war song and anthem for the discouraged and is very profound. The lyrics of their music has inspired many of my poems and stories. My favourite songs by them were "Disconnected", "Mechanical Planet", "Pretty Lies", "At the End of the World", "Cheshire Smile", "I Won't Stay Down", "Reckless", and "Still Breathing". If you like Alternative, Electronic, and Pop-styled rock, this is a very unique band which I would definitely suggest.
This particular song was encouraging to me because when I was depressed, it was one of the most comforting songs through my stress. I
ended up being able to express my true emotions just by quoting these
lyrics or sharing the song itself. The beauty of this song is it speaks to, encourages, and even strengthens the will of many struggling with suicidal thoughts. I've found that my mental health and mood has vastly improved while listening to its lyrics saying, "I'm still breathing Blood is burning in my veins I wanna feel the pain You're still healing Every moment, every day Is a gift you gave I can't believe I'm still breathing Turn the light off Let the monsters come I'm not gonna be afraid Cause I know that I'm not alone I've got giants on my side"
8: "Jee Veerey" by: Bloodywood
I found this song while scrolling through Facebook one day. It's the only song by them that I'm really interested in, but it doesn't make the lyrics any less beautiful. The music has combined my favourite instrument of all time, an instrument that I, myself play-- the Scottish Tin Whistle (aka penny whistle), along with one of my favourite genres, metal, along with the message behind the music being my life's goal to spread: "Jee Veerey" means "live, brave one". Suicide may sound like the only route, but I truly believe there is hope even in the darkest of times.
"Walk this valley of death, head high. Say I'll be back, today I won't die. 'Cause try as we may, we can never deny; We can get back up if we're still alive. [Only after enduring the tests of fire, iron is forged. Live, brave one, fight those internal storms and; Win, brave one, weather those wounds and rise once again; fly once again for too long you've lay in darkness]"
Out of the many songs I've listened to covered by this band, this one stood out the most. An original by them, they truly covered a deep and difficult topic and made it beautiful at the same time. Many think musically they had a lot of room to improve, but I believe they did it immaculately. I feel that they should truly make more music like this and maybe they will one day, but right now, I think they did a wonderful job with what they had...
7: "Breaking Free" by: Skillet
Skillet was one of my first introductions to Christian hard rock. A truly passionate and deep band that has always spoken to me in my darkest times. I forget who exactly introduced me to their music, however it may have been a mix of my bestie, Savvy and my close friend, Mandie. For many years, this band has written lyrics and tuns that I've always connected to. "Rebirthing", "The Last Night", "Falling Inside the Black", "Whispers in the Dark", "Open Wounds", "Saviour", "Forsaken", "Hero", "Monster", "Forgiven", "Never Surrender", "Dead Inside", "Would it Matter?", "Rise", "Circus For a Psycho", "American Noise", "Salvation", "Freakshow", "I Want to Live", "Stars", "The Resistance" and "Out of Hell" are only a few of my many favourites by this amazing band.
And like many of their beautiful music, "Breaking Free" truly was inspiring and encouraging to my soul. Freedom from darkness or perhaps abuse is a focal point of the lyrics. Whatever the message it still has to do with freedom. When I listen to it, it makes me feel stronger, more courageous and able to break free from any chain through Jesus Christ. Whether the chain be abuse, depression, fear, opinions, or whatever; it shines the light of hope into that darkness... "I will break, breaking free, coming alive. I broke these chains, never be afraid; Never be afraid to live my life. Break, breaking free on last time. No matter what they say I will never change And I know I can break. Break; I will break! I will break! Look, out I'm breaking free. Breaking, breaking; This is freedom; this is freedom. I am breaking free!"
6: "Secret Weapon" by: Disciple
Same as Skillet, Disciple was yet another one of my first introductions to my love for hard rock. Their war-march-styled rock brought courage to my life and helped me through my most fearful moments. My favourite albums being Attack, Horseshoes & Handgrenades, Long Live the Rebels, O God Save Us All, Scars Remain, and Vultures. I always enjoyed listening to it to inspire my writings and character biographies, and help me build my world. Not only this, but also to help build my own self through the lessons and verses they sang in their songs.
"Secret Weapon" was no different. The lyrics in the song spoke on what my faith truly means to me. The message within it was perseverance through persecution for our faith. "Break me down and bury my face I'm a time-bomb ready to detonate Leave me in ashes I'll rise up in flames You can knock me out Destroy my name But my power it comes from a higher place And my weaknesses just make me stronger My weaknesses will make me stronger"
5: "Foreigner" by: Ledger
It was quite easy to find LEDGER as she is the drummer for Skillet. She started her own project and it was a beautiful combination of electronic, rock and pop. Quite refreshing after all the hard rock I've listened to. Her style, at least to me, was unique and beautiful and as there hasn't been much made, my favourite songs are few... "Warrior", "Foreigner", "Not Dead Yet", and "Bold". Listening to these songs was therapeutic, and calming.
"Foreigner" was my top favourite. The lyrics being a sober tune with childhood rhymes mixed in was a creative way of writing the verse in my opinion. I especially enjoyed the lyrics: "Τhe feast is set before me Αnd the plates are platinum Βut all I taste is ashes and my lips are turning numb Τhe smiles in the beauty and the promises Ι see Glοry, hallelujah never said it came fοr free Ring arοund the roses Ι see through yοur poses Αshes tο ashes Ιt all comes falling dοwn Ι thought I would belong right here When Ι was younger Βut there's something in the atmοsphere Whispers οf wοnder"
4: "Lifeline" by: Thousand Foot Krutch
Another band that influenced my love for Christian hard and alternative rock was Thousand Foot Krutch. For a long time it was tied in first place with Skillet, before I was introduced to Memphis May Fire and Wolves at the Gate. It is truly impossible to list the many songs I've enjoyed most so I might as well list by albums because they are one of those bands where I love all the songs in each of their albums. The End is Where We Begin, Oxygen; Inhale, Exhale, The Flame in All of Us, Metamorphosiz: The End Remixes Vol. 1 & 2, and Welcome to the Masquerade albums have always been a favourite and every year they make another album it is better than the one before...
And like many of their songs, "Lifeline" truly helped me cope with my anger, depression and anxiety. It's helped me to acknowledge that I don't have to be perfect or to fake my way and it's okay to express weakness. It gave me the opportunity to be honest about where I was emotionally, in which I have had struggled to be for a very long time. Having that chance to sing it out and express that yes; "When I get angry, I feel weak; And hear these voices in my head; Telling me to fall beneath. 'Cause they'll make everything okay. How did I get here? Everything's unclear. I never meant to cause you pain. Give me a reason I can believe in. I need it all this time. Send me a lifeline" Because it is truly okay to ask for help. It's okay to show weakness. It's okay to struggle.
3: "Virus" by: Memphis May Fire
Where do I begin? Memphis May Fire truly, truly struck close to home and I love their music mainly because I don't feel so alone when I listen their songs like "Beneath the Skin", "Sleepless Nights", "That's Just Life", "Live it Well", "Letting Go", "Live Another Day", "Heavy is the Weight." I truly enjoyed the melodic metalcore style of their music but most of all, I loved his passion and convicting lyrics that encouraged you to seek Christ and to remain alive even throughout suicidal thoughts.
"Virus" was very nearly the same and came across as the emotions that came with toxic relationships. It helped me specifically when I had to cut off or cope with the emotions after cutting off a toxic relationship. It was rough but it put words in my own mouth and that was something important to me... "Virus! Your make me question if I want it to exist You were the venom in my veins But now I see the truth The enemy was you That time will come but not today Because I know When I fight I remember why I'm still alive I'm holding onto what is left inside Cause you're just a virus and I didn't come here to die."
2: "Kick the Habit" by: Eleventyseven
I started listening to Eleventyseven when my close friend, Mandie introduced me to it. Eleventyseven started their band in my home county. Their music always inspired me. "Appalachian Wine", "Give it up", "Divers in a Hurricane", "And I'm a Mormon", "Book of Secrets" "Trying" and " Like You Rock" are only a few favourite songs by them. After a while they stopped putting out albums while the head singer formed a new project The Jellyrox. He put out "Embellish EP", "Heta Himlen", and "Bang & Whimper" and we didn't get anything from Elventyseven until... 2017. This song was one of the first I heard on the album. And it was instantly my favourite song. As is well known about me, I am a recovery warrior. This song is like telling the story of recovery, which is why I so love this song.
"I should know by now when I'm kicking the habit; The habit kicks back" this line has reminded me to not be so hard on myself when quitting an addiction. It's hard to kick a habit as it is. When you fight, it'll return a punch. That's why when letting go of things like that, you have to be forgiving of yourself when you fail. Because it is simply a lesson to what doesn't work, and all we have to do is aim for it again. I know it can be discouraging when the addiction kicks back, but my advice to everyone-- including myself-- is to remember that you may have been knocked down, but you're not out... Take this time to strike another blow. Which is the message I heard in the song, I dunno, maybe I read too much into it, but that's alright.
1: "Grave Digger" by: Wolves at the Gates
Many years ago, my friend Mandie, introduced me to the wonderful world of Metalcore. By giving me the song, "Safeguards" by Wolves at the Gate. For many years, the lovely melodic intensity of their particularly unique style in metalcore made Wolves at the Gate one of my new top two favourite bands. And that hasn't changed in these past 5 years. Their eccentric and uplifting sound and message still resonates in the songs. And I will always enjoy that. My favourites by them through the years are "Safeguards", "Slaves", "Man of Sorrows", "The Bird and the Snake", "The Father's Bargain", "Oh the Depths", "Lowly", and finally the song, above, "Grave Digger"
"And a haunting voice demands and craves (That in its depths a body lays) I feel its cry inside my soul (That I could never fill this hole) My work and toil leave only room (For coffins, graves, and deathly tombs)" I find this line one of the most moving lyrics I have ever heard. The depth of it and honesty is very heartfelt. When I first listened to it, I was stirred to the core. I knew how it felt because I've felt it in my recovery, I felt it in my faith. But in the end of the song, after all those earth-shaking verses, they added hope in it ; "How wondrous the sight that had caused these eyes to weep All of my death and hell You would bear and reap Though all that I made was a terrible cold grave In death there You laid, for You took my place to save my soul"
